May 20, 2012
Alan…what exactly is a nice guy anyway?

Alan and I chatted it up online and immediately hit it off.  He was communicative, attractive (according to his pictures) and after several days of chatting did not once send me any x-rated pictures. Alan lived in Jacksonville but split his time in Cocoa Beach.  We agreed to meet during his next stay in Cocoa.  Alan and I made plans to meet for dinner.  As he was not from the area, I went  against rule #1 and had Alan pick me up at my condo.

He showed up very early and I was not ready.  Therefore, I made him wait in his car until I was.  Upon the knock at the door, he was every bit as attractive as his photographs. He greeted me with a huge smile and a tight squeeze hug.  He immediately was pleased that I was as attractive as my photographs as well.  I supposed if I had not been he would have just said he knocked on the wrong door by accident.  

Alan and I had dinner at a favorite local Italian restaurant. My first ah ha moment was when Alan ordered dinner.  He was one of those where he wants to seem like he knew what he was doing when in reality he truly did not.  I am not a girl that is impressed by a man being disrespectful to a waitress and modifying an order to complication.

The second ah ha moment was within the first 30 minutes of dinner.  He started to grimace and stir in his chair.  He launched into a saga about an automobile accident and his current lawsuit.  Great, just what I need a professional plaintiff.

As a litigation paralegal for a large defense lawfirm my tolerance for the woe is me syndrome is non existent.  This guy just would not let it go.  It was about his massage and his doctor and how rich he was going to be after the trial date.  I was glad to have ordered a glass of wine and seriously contemplated ordering a second one.  It was going to be a long night.

After dinner I agreed to invite Alan back to my place, after all he had driven from Cocoa. He sat on my couch like Goldilocks and the three bears…trying every cushion…too soft…too firm.  Oh dear God, make princess decide he has had enough and is leaving. He settles into my chair of all places, not some place where he could even sit next to me.  He was obsessed with taking my face in his hands and kissing me in this strange manner.  The first time, it was a bit romantic after that it was just creepy.

As long as he was sitting on the opposite side of the room, I did not have to worry about it.  I do not even remember what was on the television while we were talking, for all I remember it was Silence of the Lambs. He kept talking about retiring for the evening like he was some old man.  Then I realized he was trying to be cute about going into the bedroom. Oh, Mr. I can’t hardly move because I am so impaired from my auto accident wants to get busy. Oh great, I am sure he would be fantastic in bed.  So after a slightly extended make out session, Alan, the nice guy departed.

Funny that I heard very little from him after that night.  Maybe it was because I did not offer any free legal services.  Amazing that weeks later he emailed me saying…”You are still as sexy and cute as ever.” 

Moving on….

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April 15, 2012
Oooh la la…Sammy, the French Guy

Sammy was a delicious 6 foot 5 frenchman…should I even bother to say any thing more? Actually, this story will change lots of preconceived notions. Sammy and I chatted online before he asked me out.  He works for a large resort in food and beverage so he works crazy hours.  I was shocked when he suggested out first date be meeting lakeside at midnight. Again, my first thought was should I bring the shovel and bag of lime. Obviously, I declined and told him we could meet for coffee before I went to work one morning and that he agreed to.

However, from the start Sammy was asking for sexy photographs.  I told him just like every other request, that I don’t comply with…I’m not that kind of girl. At least until I verify you are a serial killer or complete porn freak.  That did not stop Sammy from sending me pictures of him.  Let me just say that a man who is 6’5 and sends pictures of his cock should have a disclaimer…images may actually be largerr then they appear in my giant hand. Hmm!

Sammy and I met for coffee.  He was very nice, talkative, well spoken and very attractive, world travelled and did I say attractive.  I enjoyed coffee very much and Sammy walked me out to my car and gave me a nice tastful kiss.  Hmm, maybe he was ok.  RIGHT, as soon as I backed out of the parking lot I received a text saying for me to send dirty pictures.  Sure, Sammy let me wreck my car while I photograph my boobs for you. Sammy and I continued to talk, text and meet. So when he asked to come to my place one night after he got off work, I decided, hey what the heck.  He’s a gorgeous French guy and I am an adult.  My children were with their dad for the night so the house was all mine.

So I shower and prepare adequately for my “late night meeting” with Sammy.  I slip into something tastefully sexy to meet Sammy at the door in.  Sammy arrives,  he kisses me…um, yes the French guy could kiss.  We will jump ahead in the story and say that we end up in my bedroom.  Sammmy slides on a condom and slides into me.  Hmm, again 6’5 does not equate…well to proportion.  So, Sammy, apparently a bit too excited, ejaculates instantly.  I’m not exaggerating, he jumps up from bed to the bathroom to remove the condom and I was left wondering what the hell just happened.  I awlays thought the rule for guys was to “take care of it”  before, if it had been a while since your last sexual encounter.  Apparently, Sammy did not ever get that memo.   

I was on the phone dying in laughter with a close friend within minutes. It took me 10 times longer too shave and get ready then it did for Sammy to freaking finish. Who said the French were good lovers….they were so wrong!  

Sammy and I chatted a few times but not terribly long thereafter he mentioned that he was thinking of getting back with his ex-wife. Hmm, see you later Sammy, not convinced he was actually unmarried. Maybe thats why he was quick on the “draw.”

I guess my passport doesn’t have to include France now.

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April 9, 2012
Dean or is it Whiskey Lou

Dean was an interesting guy.  I am not sure I believed his profile stating that he was 45 as he looked at least 5 years older.  Our first date was an interesting local dive bar called Whiskey Lou’s.  Now I have never been to Whiskey Lou’s so prior to meeting Dean a girlfriend and I arrived early to scope the place out.  I like to know where the exits are and know the lay out of the parking lot. Consider it mapping an escape route just in case. WHISKEY LOU’S…is a smokey, cash only, juke box music filled, pool table entertaiment only night life spot where much to my suprise was filled with an interesting bunch of folks.  I envisioned toothless tatooed biker dudes  but it was very eclectic.

I ordered a drink and sat down with my girlfriend.  Dean arrived with a beer fro the bar and was definitely not his stated age of 45. His profile stated he was a non smoker.  However, I am here to state that he chain smoked the night away.  I have to admit that he was nice and chatty.  My girlfriend stayed the whole night as it just seemed the right thing.  It got late and my girlfriend was ready to leave. Dean was actually a gentleman and walked her out to her car and I followed.

My girlfriend drove away and Dean gave me one hell of a good night kiss. I just wish he did not taste like an ashtray.  Dean and I texted for a few more days and vowed to get together again.  Dean decided to do his best to convince me to sleep with him by sending me some pictures of his….well it wasn’t his smile. his dog or his car. Life got in the way and days turned into weeks and I didn’t hear from Dean.

Then out of the blue I get a text message that says “Its been a few minutes.”
My response was that it has been several weeks.  Dean asked if I wanted him to come over and play.  REALLY DEAN?  So when I told him that he had not been truthful and why should I think otherwise he was shocked. Hmm, no more text messages and no more pictures of his… SMILE

THE JOURNEY CONTINUES

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April 1, 2012
And then there was Daryl

Daryl was the poster child of “normal” from the beginning.  His profile was pretty generic and he was average looking.  We chatted for a few days online before he asked for my number and to take me out.  He was never inappropriate, never sent me “cock” pictures and was the All American guy…or so I thought!

I met hin on a Saturday afternoon at Panera for lunch. He was polite, talkative, cuter in person then his pictures and very normal. After lunch we went to a local park and talked for hours.  He kissed me which was very nice.  The kind of kiss that really “wows” you.  It was a terrific afternoon.  It was already ine of those meetings where you feel like you have known the person for much longer then you really have. 

The next morning he had his 3 boys and wanted to come see me and let our boys play together.  I went against ever fiber of my being as a single mom and agreed.  I introduced him as a friend and my 2 boys were ok with having some playmates for an afternoon.  Again, everything seemed so damn normal.  He was snuggly and a huge teddy bear of a guy.  I loved watching TV tucked in his arm.  Hmm, this was all so nice. 

Monday he asked if he could stop and see me before he went to work that morning.  He drove from Melbourne to Orlando where he worked for the US Postal Service.   My oldest would be gone for school and my youngest would still be asleep. I agreed because I longed to feel his lips on mine again. He really was a terrific kisser.  So yes, I got a terrific morning wake up from my very normal guy.  He actually did that twice that first week. After the second early morning wake up call he went to work, he texted me all morning about the following night when we had another date planned and ever better late night plans.

Then that days the texts stopped.  I called him and no answer.  He disappeared. At first youget worried that something horrible happened. Then you get pissed that this normal guy just dicked you over romantically again. Then you go back to wanting the truth. For the few days that he was all into me, his online orofile was inactivated.  After his great disappearance for 10 days it reappeared.  Just in time for me to send a sincerely fuck you email.  Of course the coward never responded to say that he was ok and he just got cold feet or that he had won the lottery or anything. Who would bring their kids over to play and screw over the woman he was seeing. Again, the nice guys apparently aren’t so nice either. Maybe I should have gone with Chat to “bounce.”

So as for Daryl, I can only hope that nice guys do finish last. What a jerk! 

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March 27, 2012
Lessons learned after date #1…

Here we go again…Searching the online data bank for more candidates and being searched out by a few myself.  I was chatted up a few times with guys from the online site only to learn real quick the following:  men like to talk smack when it comes to sex, men like to ask for dirty pictures within minutes of the first email or instant message, and men like to send pictures of their cocks to women more so then talking to women.

You think I am kidding…I have been sent more pictures of “cock” in the last 7 weeks then I have seen in my entire adult life and that includes movies and magazines.  That’s freaking impressive…oh hell no! I am not even sure the pictures of “cock” being sent actually belong to the man sending the picture. You see men have an advantage that way…point and click…blam… a picture of a stiff cock.  When these weirdos ask for a dirty picture from me I am thinking…hmm, if I stand with one foot behind my head while…oh never mind.

However, let me just clarify I have not sent any dirty pictures to any online weirdos.  Maybe more so because I am not convinced the entire male population isn’t all working for one huge underground porn website and magazine where my boobs and pretty parts would be all over every free website.  My mother would not be impressed with me gaining stardom this way.

So you ask where my blog page title came from….well one such email arrived late one night…a man named Chadwick “Chad” sends me a simple email which reads “you have a nice ass.”  Hmm, let me remind you I am a curvy girl and none of my profile pictures even show my ass.  So my reply was simply…”I think you meant to sent this to someone else.”  Chad, quickly replied that he did not mean to send it to someone else, that I looked like a fun girl  with a great ass! Wow, Chad, how insightful. To this day the most inspiring thing Chad has done was give me the title for my great blog.

Oh, did I mention he asked me once to come over and bounce on him…Oh Lord, this online dating thing is going to get interesting. Oh, and again, I have yet to meet Chad for any “bouncing.”

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(Notes: 1)
  
March 27, 2012

tumblrbot asked: WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE INANIMATE OBJECT?

My Selmer clarinet.  I am a classical musician.

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March 27, 2012
Date #1…Mitch

It’s early in February 2012 and I am excited that after only a few short days of being online I have been sought out and asked out by “Mitch.”  I am a big believer in not getting my hopes up as it leads to major let down, but hey its a date and I am excited.

At first Mitch seems nice.  He emails and then exchanges numbers for texting and a few phone calls.  He asks me out for drinks and we make plans accordingly. I am still very new at this dating thing so I agree to a very public well known sports bar in a very busy part of town.

I plan the perfect outfit knowing that I am now “on the market,” but nothing too boob-a-licious and revealing but then again I don’t want to look like a complete prude. So, just a side note, I am a curvy woman.  I am 5’9, with some great curves, a few bulges (who doesn’t) and great boobs.  Nothing bought or plastic, just lucky that way. I am not some twiggy/Barbie type and I have always been leery of dating because of that reason. I plan my “date” outfit accordingly.  

Date night…I text Mitch to see what “color” he is wearing so I do not embarrass myself if his picture is nothing like he looks now.  Much to my surprise Mitch says he is wearing a “tiel” shirt…(nope, I did not spell it wrong)…Mitch meant teal.  Oh, God, you have to be kidding right?  Mitch also volunteered that he would be the best looking guy in the place.  Oh really? I should have turned my car around and headed home. Oh, why didn’t I?

I enter the restaurant/bar and put my name on the waiting list while I wait for Mr. Wonderful to arrive…already late.  He enters wearing a teal/tiel shirt.  He was average looking but, I assure you he wasn’t the best looking guy in the place.

We make small talk until our table is ready and are seated across from each other.  My darling date Mitch proceeds to tell me that I am much more attractive in person then in my pictures.  Aww, very sweet and flattering…right up until the point he tells me I should “reach” under the table and find out. REALLY ASSHOLE?

I should have gotten up and walked out right then and there, but I was stupid and stayed to see how the train wreck would unfold. Mitch ended every sentence of the evening stating “I don’t know why I am telling you this”…I guess he assumed I was his free therapist for the night.  Mitch then spent the next 2 hours pounding double rum and coke’s and trying to convince me we were going back to my place with a bottle of wine.  Again, REALLY ASSHOLE?

So the topping on the perfect evening was the more intoxicated Mitch became the more obscene be became.  When I finally made it clear that we would not be going back to my place, he leaned in across the table and said that he was ok with me “sucking him off in his car.” Oh, holy hell ASSHOLE.

I was now planning my escape in my head.  At this point I am praying that the fire alarm goes off or that there is a bomb threat.  That night I learned there really is a God.  Mitch’s cellphone rang and it was his daughter who had been in a minor fender bender accident.  As he is screaming at her in the middle of the restaurant and getting stared by each and everyone in the place.  I manage to convince him that he needs to “go to her” and make sure she is ok. 

Mitch reluctantly agrees and leaves.  Oh, thank God. I gladly pay the check and have never been so happy to cough up my hard earned cash in all my life. I get in my car and head home only to have my cell phone ring.  Wow, it’s Mitch.  He’s intoxicated at his daughter’s accident scene and is apparently still horny. Now he is again trying to convince me to give him my address so he can come over…REALLY ASSHOLE…just bring a shovel and a bag of lime.  

I arrive home and let my best friends know that I am home safe and pissed off about the whole evening. So the lesson learned from date #1…spelling does matter! 

The adventures continue….

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(Notes: 1)
  
March 26, 2012
Big Girl Panties…

Ok, I have enough material from my first 2 months of online dating to write more than one self help book. 

I took the suggestion of a friend and started with one of the free dating websites just to test the “water” and get my wits about me. Lets just say online dating is not the the faint of heart.  These “men” and I use the term loosely are so full of themselves that there is more hot air then needed to fill the Goodyear blimp.

First, if you email “them”, most (4 out of 5) don’t respond, even with a simple thanks but no thanks.  Now if I received an email from an interested man and he was not within my dating parameters, I would send a simple “no thank you” response.  I am old school I guess in that simple kindness is not optional.

So week one, I quickly learned to…

 

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(Notes: 1)
  
March 26, 2012
In the Beginning…

Hi, I am Kelly. A single, 42 year old, well-educated, professional female living in Orlando, Florida.  I have been divorced for two years and recently decided to enter the world of online dating.  So, after a few years of regaining my self confidence and paying my shrink lots of money to tell me what I already knew, it was time to get out there and have some fun.

This blog is the adventures of me and online dating.  Now realize some of the material will have to be amended so it is at least rated R and not XXX and all names will be changed to protect the stupidity of the men who don’t know any better.

I welcome your funny stories and exchanges as well. 

1:14pm  |   URL: http://tmblr.co/ZSHokvIbeBJd
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